Its funny how time in an airport passes. Correction. Its
funny how the passing of time in an airport can vary so much based on what
phase of life you are in. And by
funny I mean bewildering.
I remember when I could enjoy airport bars, meander through
duty-free smelling all the different fragrances, browse souvenirs and stand
reading books and magazines in the shops while waiting for my plane to start
boarding. Footloose and fancy free
is what they would call a young me, childless and unaccountable to everyone. But we never know how precious this
time is until we are given hindsight.
Oh if I could have told my 22 year old self how lucky she was to
experience every airport leisure to its full potential! Alas, I am now in a life-phase where
airports require tact and strategy.
My child is a frequent flier. His heavily stamped passport indicates he has been overseas
6 times before the age of 2, as well as numerous domestic flights. We have strategy down-pat………
theoretically.
For instance.
Sleep times and warm bottles are timed around taxi and take-off;
nothing like the combination of a full belly and the thundering jet engine
rumble to lull a child to sleep.
Old toys will not be enough of a distraction to stop a child
getting grumpy and impossible in a very long customs line. Only new, never-before-seen by the
child, wrapped up toys will allow such success in prolonged distraction of the
toddler. This was an idea I got
from a friend – and what she said was, “if the child is well-behaved, give him
a new toy to unwrap and play with, this will encourage more good
behaviour.” But I’m sure she meant
to say “when the child is not co-operating, use the new toy as bribery and
coercion”.
Do not, I repeat DO NOT attempt duty free shopping with a
toddler. They will reach for
expensive perfume bottles, vintage whiskeys, and jars of La Prairie moisturiser
at lightning speed, causing acute heart failure triggered by the thought of the
cost of replacing these broken items.
Along with that is the war you will have to wage on the child when
denying them all the temptingly packaged candy that sits gleaming on the
shelves and counters.
If the child is anywhere over 18 months, do not attempt to
travel without an ipad. Parenting, especially in public domain, without tablets
or touch phones, is archaic and just plain hard. Just don’t do it.
It is OK to suck the orange Dorito residue off your child’s
fingers before he has a chance to touch your clothing while waiting to check-in
for a flight and the wipes are out of reach. Speaking of wipes, it is also OK to shove a hardly-dirty
wipe back into the pack for re-use, so long as it has not been used in
nappy-changing circumstances.
When a child is crying, or better yet – screeching
inconsolably for most of the long-haul flight across the pacific, rejoice and be
happy that it belongs to someone else.
There was a time when this was your child, and you wanted to open the
door and jump.
If your row is full, let your child annoy and clamber over
the other passengers. Chances are
they will kick up a stink, especially if they are elderly East Indian folks,
and a sympathetic flight attendant will bump them to a spare seat in business
class, thus allowing a free seat for said child and breathing room for the
verging-on-insanity mother. This
is a far cheaper option than just buying a seat for the toddler.
Although it may be tempting to take all offers of coffee and
wine offered, use caution.
Remember, you do not have the luxury of a nappy like the child does, and
once he’s asleep you mustn’t dare move and risk wake him from his slumber just
to go to the toilet. Dehydration
is a preferable option.
Most importantly, observe the family with two teenagers
armed with handheld entertainment devices. Note how peacefully they are travelling. Also have a look at the elderly couple,
tidily dressed, hair in place, not breaking a sweat. Yes, the ones turning their noses up at you and your snotty-nosed child. Remember that this
life-phase will not last forever, and peaceful travel will someday again be a
reality.