I'm going to use this blog to emphasize my transformation. In the past couple of blogs I have marveled on how motherhood has changed me. I think I need to now delve a bit into the detail of my pre-motherhood life in order for the extent of my “change” to be understood.
As I stated in the first edition, a lot of who I am is thanks to my upbringing and the ideologies of my generation. This propelled me onto a career path which was male-dominated, yet very much within reach for a young, ambitious, capable person such as myself. This career further expanded my view that women and men CAN be equal in the workplace. I was lucky enough to start out as an electrician in training with a massively supportive team. I was never doubted, and my successes were always applauded and my enthusiasm was appreciated. This started the ball rolling for my work addiction. Being in an industry where overtime was well within reach, not only was I feeding off the thrill that comes with a wealth of knowledge, but also the large paychecks that were landing in my bank account. I couldn’t get enough of motor disconnects and reconnects, pumpstation maintenance and plant observation – all of which were a part of daily work on a maintenance crew in the Tailings division of an oilsands plant. I worked for a huge company, and loved the safe, secure feeling of being a small part of a very big picture.
A series of events led me to venture overseas to New Zealand, where I straight away picked up my apprenticeship from where I left off in Canada, and I was back in the game. Now, not only was I working towards an apprenticeship that would undoubtedly promise me a rewarding career, I was doing so on the other side of the world – and there was sooooo much to learn, see, love, discover, and achieve. Nothing inspires me more than experiencing something or some place new. Nothing fills me with life more than being far away from home and figuring out how things are done in a different place. There were times where I experienced feelings of isolation, loneliness; but this is to be expected when you leave your family, friends, your life, and everything that is familiar at the age of 20 and move so very far away.
So, as I said, I am in NZ. After dabbling in various fields of my trade, I found myself working as an Electrical Fitter – basically an electrician that does maintenance and fault work in HV substations. 33,000 – 200,000 Volts, generally. This was me. I was in love. I don’t know what it was…. Well, actually, I do. It was the fresh air, for a start. The subs we tended to were often out in the wop-wops, outside the cities and towns, out in the country amongst the sheep and the wind and the hillsides. We had subs that were right on the seaside; subs in the mountains; subs in the paddocks; and a few subs that were “in town” – but it didn’t matter because once you got up in the cherry picker or up the gantry or on top of a transformer, you were still with the wind and above all the normality and racket. We worked to strict safety requirements and even stricter time constraints - this made the work even more rewarding as there was a bigger challenge to get it completed. Every day I was pushed – mentally, physically, and most certainly emotionally – and to be able to continuously overcome obstacles in the field is completely empowering and gave an endorphine rush that would give most good drugs a run for their money. It didn’t matter if I was sweeping floors, installing new protection panel wiring, repairing a faulted transformer or replacing rusty bolts – every day I went home eager for the next work day to come. I wanted to work weekends, holidays, late nights and early mornings. I’m not even kidding. I had to tell people that I was money-hungry, cause there was no way anyone would believe I was just that keen to go to work.
Each day I arrived early; and that’s saying something, considering some days were a 3:30 a.m. start. No joke. It was my opinion that apprentices should never miss a chance to show their ambition and enthusiasm… both of which I had plenty. I cared about 50 year old transformers as if they were my very own cherished shoe collection or something. I was constantly wanting all the information I could get for each piece of equipment, and it pained my impatient soul at times to learn that some things can only be ascertained from experience, not from manuals or history records, or even hounding my journeymen til the cows came home.
I loved my freedom so much. I loved that I was accountable to and depended on by next to noone. I had flatmates in NZ who I was good friends with, but I very much came and went as I pleased, and loved this fact more than anything. I had no family commitments, no social life, and for the most part no relationships that were worth mentioning. I went out of town for work sometimes 3 times in a single week, and sometimes I got sent away for work for days, weeks, and months at a time. Timaru, Westport, Greymouth, Clyde, Roxburgh, Castle Hill, Tekapo – all these gems of NZ were frequented by us and it was such a thrill to be cruising through the most picturesque parts of the country, and getting PAID for it!! Countless times I can remember thinking to myself, “I never want to give this up”…
My aforementioned flatmates had a child while I was living there. She was a shining light in my life – she lit me up – she was a treasure. I loved spending time with her, seeing her grow and develop, and I loved how she completed their little family. But I can still remember thinking, gosh, she is the loveliest baby in the world – it doesn’t get any better than a baby like this – but I don’t know if I ever want to have one of my own. Be tied down. Be tied TO someone… be responsible for a family. The thought sent a chill down my spine, to be perfectly honest.
Yet now here I am - the keeper of my home; a mum; nothing more, nothing less.
So it begs the question.
Is it timing? Is it the biological clock? You know, I wasn’t ready then, but I am now? Is it a matter of fulfillment? Having experienced travel, a sense of achievement, breaking boundaries and exceeding expectations – has this made me feel like I can now move on to get a different sense of fulfillment?
Is it love? Does falling in love with the person who perfectly completes you make you more baby-minded?
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